im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
