Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
