so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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