So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
