I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
