I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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