Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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