he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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