I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I need a beard to bite.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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