You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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