It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
