That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
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I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
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I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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