My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.