I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
