i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
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Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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