Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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