listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just found a bag of teeth...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
