I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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