hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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