ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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