She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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