I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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