Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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