remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
