its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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