I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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