Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
