Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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