The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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