Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
