can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky