a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
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Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
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It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs