I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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