youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
