she woke up with a sticky ear
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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