so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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