We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Randomize
