Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
