Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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