so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
