just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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