last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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