You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
