i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
