yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
