I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
