Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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