8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
