When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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