Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
