My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My dick has a subreddit
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
