By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
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I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
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True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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