Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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