How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
