you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
