I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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