i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
